Inspired by the host of ‘lock-down’ athletes who have run the equivalent of a marathon in their back yard, climed the dizzy heights of Everest on their stairs, and completed the Tour de France on an exercise bike in the attic, I plan to swim the Channel ‘virtually’ – in the bath.

I’m confident of breaking the current world record of just under 7 hours for the 21 miles Dover-to-Calais marathon by ‘swimming’ 18,500 lengths of my 2 yards long [in old money] bath – the equivalent of 36,960 yards or 21 miles.

But I won’t be covered in goose fat – or whatever those Channel swimmers slap all over themselves – opting, instead, for Dove shower mousse. And, because of space limitations in my bath, I won’t actually be doing the crawl or the breast stroke but will, instead, kick my legs up and down while splashing my arms about for half an hour each evening before bed-time.

I plan to pull the plug on my world attempt just before the end of bath 14, when I’ll have shattered the 7 hours record. Wish me luck.

Tony in Lock-Down.

Trump played it solo – no super stars, no pop icons, no self-congratulatory hugs and kisses, and no support from President Obama who should, perhaps, have been back at the Oval Office doing the job he was paid for rather than proclaiming Hilary Clinton as the next President of the United States.

There’s a message there for all politicians. Don’t try to con the voters – they’re not as stupid as you appear to think. And who, after our last election, the Brexit result, and the US election, will EVER trust pollsters again? Not me.

Uncontrolled immigration is undoubtedly one of the main driving forces in the rush to concrete-over our green and pleasant land. But it’s fueled by a Tory government which promised to protect the Green Belt in its election manifesto and then, in typically Cameron style, did a U-turn and sent out the message that our green fields were up for grabs.

If this process is allowed to continue Britain is destined to become the dormitory of the world and our green spaces will disappear for ever; it’s only a matter of time. And that’s why it is important to ponder the potential for fighting back and putting a stop to this quiet invasion. It’s a battle we can’t afford to lose.

BUT in attacking SO as an unsuitable word to begin a sentence, he has conveniently ignored his own literary misdemeanour – using the word AND at the start of preliminary questions on BBC TV’s ‘Mastermind’. You must have noticed it…”AND your name is….AND your job is…AND your chosen subject is?” He does it with each and every contestant.

BUT like so many self-opinionated broadcasters, he seems blissfully aware of his own shortcomings.

Like Jon Snow on Channel 4 TV News who begins every other question with the meaningless phrase “I mean…”. He’s also taken to saying “Cut to the Quick” [hurt someone's feelings] when he clearly means “Cut to the Chase” [ get to the point].

Both of them are habitual users of the word WELL at the start of sentences. AND they’re not alone. The British people as a whole tend to use the word WELL to begin a sentence. It’s a sort of “let me see now” sort of word.

BUT John Humphries who, as a journalist and author, prides himself on his knowledge of the English language, should know better than anyone how many snappy news paragraphs in newspapers begin with AND and BUT. AND novelists like me thrive on the use of the two conjunctions at the start of a line to inject a bit of urgency into the narrative. SO I suggest John eats his own words but after, of course, mincing them AND adding a touch of flavouring.